White Powder, Green Light

Book excerpt: In Soho Paul Salmon, co-producer of the ghastly Britpack Russian Mafia caper Base Metal, is busy chasing his next project, schmoozing It-girls and not taking cocaine. In Pontypool, Dr Jane Feverfew is busy wooing her ludicrous students, fighting her leek-carrying ex and wondering what the hell made her come to a country where she can't even spell the name of her son's school. In Cardiff, the Welsh cultural mafia are busy quaffing Australian cava at the annual Cymru-Wales Oscwr ceremony as they plan the disposal of next year's EU grants... Jane hasn't had sex for two years, but there are the same number of passable single men over thirty in Wales as anywhere else; that is, none. Her only excitement in life is a coy e-flirtation. But when she despairingly posts her mock-screenplay of a Spanish classic on the ResistYoof.com website (to show the sort of crap that Yoof likes) Paul Salmon happens upon it in a moment of coke-fuelled desperation... Salmon lies, chears and grovels to get the film Green Lighted as a Welsh epic, while also turning his lustful attentions onto Jane. As crossed wires, bad faith and wild ambition pile up, Jane dives blithely into the White Powder desert of actors