When a Brother Or Sister Dies

Book excerpt: The trauma of losing a sibling when we are in our adult years is one of the most unrecognized and undertreated areas of psychology. There is no other loss in adult life that appears to be so neglected as the death of a brother or sister, says bereavement specialist and psychologist, Therese Rando. And Rando is just one expert author Berman interviews in this moving book about loss. We see here how, when an adult dies, the parents, spouse, and children of that person become the focus, but brothers and sisters most often fall to the sidelines and are left to find a way to deal with the grief and recover alone. Yet, when a brother or sister dies, we lose our longest lifetime companion, someone with whom we have shared an intimate family history. And, in most cases, that was someone for whom we had conflicted feelings: shared identity yet competitive feelings, pride yet jealousy, love yet hate. Most of us come to make peace with the relationship at some point. How to make peace with the death of the sibling - which can conjure up a well of feelings, from wishing you were closer to wanting to change some past events you shared - can haunt an adult. But author Claire Berman, who lost her own sister to heart disease in the week of September 11, 2001, when America lost its innocence, takes us into the emotional world of sibling loss, showing us how to understand and navigate the aftermath of a loss that can leave adults feeling angry, confused, guilty, empty, or just like Berman, wanting to hit that speed dial button still marked with her sister's name.