What Would Kinky Do?

Book excerpt: Kinky Friedman, who would be our contemporary Will Rogers if Will Rogers had been Jewish, smoked cigars, and foolish enough to believe he could govern the great state of Texas, returns with this collection of hilariously raunchy, sometimes poignant, and always insightful essays. With fearless wit and wisdom born from many a late night's experience, Kinky offers both pearls and cowpats that touch on life, death, and everything in between. Considering the current predicament of our nation and the world at large, the question is, "What would Kinky do?" His answers invoke Willie Nelson, Bob Dylan, Judy Garland, George Bush, and other cultural touchstones; reflect on Texas etiquette, smoking in bars, mullet haircuts, immigration policy, and how Don Imus died for our sins; and advise on how to handle a nonstop talker on a long flight, how to deliver the perfect air kiss, and what to do when a redneck hollers "Hey y'all, watch this!" Whether he's "the new Mark Twain" (Southern Living), "in a class with Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, Will Rogers, and, yes, Henny Youngman" (The New York Post), "a Texas legend" (President George W. Bush), or "the Mother Teresa of literature" (Willie Nelson), Kinky Friedman is an outrageously funny and uncommonly smart observer of our common predicament: life and what to do about it. A little friendly advice from "Texas for Dummies" *Get you some brontosaurus-foreskin boots and a big ol' cowboy hat. Always remember, only two kinds of people can get away with wearing their hats indoors: cowboys and Jews. Try to be one of them. *Get your hair fixed right. If you're male, cut it into a "mullet" (short on the sides and top, long in the back---think Billy Ray Cyrus). If you're female, make it as big as possible, with lots of teasing and hair spray. If you can hide a buck knife in there, you're ready. *Buy you a big ol' pickup truck or a Cadillac. I myself drive a Yom Kippur Clipper. That's a Jewish Cadillac---stops on a dime and picks it up. *Don't be surprised to find small plastic bags of giant dill pickles in local convenience stores. *Everything goes better with picante sauce. No exceptions. *Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.