Everything Is Infinite

Book excerpt: My suicide note was written. The end was near. I was a bitterly depressed teenager. At the tender age of 17, I had already given up on life. I planned my exit and then I decided to give "God" one last chance. I said something like this: "God, I refuse to live a pointless life in a meaningless universe filled with pain, hatred, suffering, and evil. If it is all nothingness and I'm just going to die anyway, what's the point of fighting for survival? God, if there is a God, please save my soul, if I have a soul. God, show me something to change my mind or fuck off once and for all."I didn't believe in "God," of course. I didn't believe in anything. I gave up such delusions as a young child, when I used to pray fervently for an end to the psychotic abuse and torment in my home. To no avail. Obviously nothing was listening. Obviously the universe couldn't care less. Like many people, my traumatic childhood caused my teen years to be a dark time. I had turned into a nihilistic atheist with a deathwish.But as a child, before I had given up completely I had been mostly agnostic, and I had always been fascinated by the possibility of the spiritual world. Sometimes -- on sunny days with huge puffy clouds in the sky and sun rays shining to the ground -- sometimes my childish mind even dared to think that maybe God was sitting up there watching us. So as a last gasp at life, I asked it to show me something that would change my mind.And God showed me something. God showed me everything.