Trump: The Prison Diaries

Book excerpt: In this explosive first-person account of swapping the White House for the Big House, Donald Trump aims to Make Prison Great Again. MARCH 31 It's been two weeks since they put me in The Hole. Very unfair! No-one is treated as unfairly as Trump. Many people say that solitary confinement is a kind of torture. I'm not so sure. I'm getting to spend a lot of time with my favourite person in the world. I say to him: "Mr President, remember when you met Bo Derek at the PGA Tour Championship? She had the hots for you, believe me." And he'll reply: "I agree, Mr President. Also, I was a better golfer than anyone in the tournament. And that's without cheating, which I would never do, believe me." So I'm doing amazing. Incredibly well. Some would say I'm the best Hole Guy ever. Not like those losers who go nuts... Of course the verdict was VERY UNFAIR - they were meant to be a jury of his peers, but none of them were billionaires. Still, the trial got AMAZING ratings. Now locked up in Smallhand State Prison, our presidential protagonist goes full Samuel Pepys and attempts the first BESTSELLER to be written entirely on toilet paper. Life inside is tough for Trump: he experiences withdrawal symptoms from social media and is no longer able to watch Fox News all day. But he soon realises that incarceration isn't a punishment, it's an OPPORTUNITY, and attempts to conquer the clink as he once conquered AMERICA. Can Donald rise to become prison kingpin, smuggling McDonald's Filet-O-Fish and tutoring fellow inmates in the Art of the Deal? Interspersed with reports from Smallhand's resident psychologist, Trump: The Prison Diaries is a satirical riot - The Apprentice meets The Shawshank Redemption. So brace yourself, because orange is the new orange.