The Ovenlight Saga: Baking Dough Part 1

Book excerpt: Attn Twilight movie fans! It's time there was a good parody! The Twilight Saga has been the subject of a few previous parodies -but I hope you will find this version unique. I wanted to make a parody that was super funny AND clean - one that was great, but wasn't in the gutter! So this one has no curse words or crude content! This is 99% based off lines & scenes from the movies, so if you're wondering about needing to have read the books - you don't! There is some stuff from Midnight Sun, including Edward's perspective and his worrying about showing his teeth or Ella being clumy, but that's it. Tedwin Collins and his fridgitarian family members, including 4 adopted siblings (Alith, Jackson, Dimmit & Rose) reside in Ports, Oregon - a small town where they can live under the witness protection program with minimal interference, playing baseball & running their Italian ice cream franchise, Cold Skin Creamery. Growing up in the mafia was hard for Tedwin, and he's glad that his dad (Carlo) and his mom (Escusme), fled that life and came to America so Carlo could pursue his medical degree. The entire family lives a "frigitarian" lifestyle: meaning they only eat stuff that is refrigerated or frozen - they never eat food that has been heated or comes out of the oven, making them different than other Italian families. Everything is going fine until a girl named Portabella (Ella) moves into town, a girl who loves to eat jalapeno pizza - so much so, in fact - that it runs through her veins. Tedwin doesn't know if he can have a friendship - or any kind of relationship - with this girl who smells like forbidden food. Tedwin is embarrassed about his past - he doesn't want to be... a MOBSTER. He also can't read her mind, which is very frustrating and new. His sister, Alith, assures him that she and Ella will be great friends. and that he and Ella will be together in the future. Jason Dark-Grey, Ella’s childhood best friend (bestest, brightest and BUFFEST ), also cares about Ella - much to Tedwin's chagrin. He turns into an animal, too - but not the one you think. He tries to convince Ella that eating so much junk food is bad for her blood sugar levels, reminding her that she might need her toes someday, but she is convinced that she can scarf down anything she wants: pizza, ice cream, Doritos, etc. - and her figure stays the same. However, something she eats in 'Baking Dough - Part 2' will change that and the lives of everyone she cares about. ​ What makes Tedwin’s throat burn like a white-hot branding iron? What was the terrible fate of Mr. Fluffkins the chinchilla? Who has a misunderstanding about Tedwin's stuffed animal collection? What does Jason beg Ella not to do? What was Ella born to be? Who had a human snack out in the woods? ​ The answer to these burning questions and more is what you will have to read to find out!