How Santa Lost His Jollies

Book excerpt: Brimming with laugh-out-loud Santa stories, How Santa Lost His Jollies is a humorous take on Santa "events" from around the globe, from Santa gropers, to flying Santas (Elvis impersonators), to patented Santa traps, and of course, the usual kids (naughty) with their Santa-defying tricks. Drawn from genuine, and documented, news articles, How Santa Lost His Jollies reveals the trial and tribulations- even dangerous situations -endured by today's Santa. Well, not the real Santa, but those jolly old elves who work the trade for dollars. Admittedly, it was one dark and dismal Christmas Eve when in a desperate attempt to ignite my own holiday spirit, I resorted to dredging up Santa-in-the-news events off the internet. It wasn't long before I found myself laughing out loud. Therein lies the beginning of How Santa Lost His Jollies -- as well as the crummy feeling one gets upon discovering that the guy who delivered your first bicycle is right now busy getting his nose bloodied and a couple of eyes seriously discolored in a back alley, one quite possibly located near you. Santa stories, like all holiday stories, are meant to be shared. Accordingly, each Santa news event has been reconfigured to include a short multiple-choice quiz designed to keep both grinches and guests engaged and amused. You already know the scene: Christmas day; cooks in the kitchen; kids squabbling over noisy, blinking toys; teenagers tying up the TV with noisier, electronic games; guys swapping fish stories; and the self-appointed in-law joke-teller laughing at his own dirty jokes. Time to open How Santa Lost His Jollies, assign the family grinch to read the stories out loud and let the cooks, kids, and by now slightly inebriated men-folk guess the punch lines. Only right answers count.